12 a Day
Recently I came across a statement attributed to family therapist Virginia Satir, that “People need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”
It reminded me of an interesting moment I experienced during the Covid lockdowns in 2020.
I’m fortunate that I did not find those periods of isolation particularly difficult. I was accustomed to living alone. However, I was surprised one evening when I had a bit of a wobbly moment.
My work days during the lockdowns were particularly long. On top of administrative tasks, I was spending close to 10 hours each day teaching through my phone screen. For some reason, the time slots of many of my most difficult students all landed on the same day. Let’s call it D (for difficult) day. The students’ challenges ranged through diagnosed cognitive difficulties, dysfunctional family dynamics, embarrassement of communicating through a screen and general bad attitudes.
The lockdowns were also times of getting to know the parents of my students on a more personal level, and many of them were struggling quite severely. As is often the case for teachers, I found balancing the duty of teaching content and being a listening ear for both students and parents, quite challenging. But I was grateful for the opportunities to be a soft landing for the families during a short time each week.
One particular Dday progressed as all other Ddays had, with me turning off the screen with a sigh of relief at around 7pm. I felt tired but fine. I walked across the hallway into the lounge and unexpectedly burst into tears. A surprising thought came into my mind. “I just need a hug!”
I was confused by my sudden vulnerability. My work day had been no more difficult than usual. My living arrangements hadn’t changed. Hugs were not part of my every day life, even outside of lockdowns, and I was usually fine with the situation. What had triggered this wobbly moment?
Over the next few weeks I realised that, other than seeing my beautiful son on weekends, I had not been in anyone’s physical presence for a long time. I had been meeting with many people online, both socially and for work, but had not shared a physical space with anyone. I concluded that our innate need for physical touch must often be at least partially met by sharing a physical space with people, and did not necessarily require physical contact. I found that quite interesting.
I imagine that the lockdowns were especially difficult for many young children and hugs from parents would have been all the more necessary. After all, as is often stated, Mum’s arms are comforting and Dad’s arms are secure. Some would argue though, that often parents need hugs from their children more than children need them from their parents.
There is all sorts of science surrounding the effects of giving and receiving hugs, much of it pointing to the psychological benefits. I can certainly attest to feeling so much better when receiving a hug from my beautiful teenage son, although such moments occur less frequently than I would like!
I’m sure I’m not alone though, in experiencing awkward situations where hugs are obligatory, often with strangers or with people with whom we are not particularly comfortable. Times like these can lead to feelings of resentment. Could it be said that hugs are bad for our health under such circumstances? There have been many embarrassing moments in my past when I would have liked to avoid giving or receiving a hug by saying that I was allergic to them!
Never though, when it comes to my beautiful son. I may have to stand on a chair to tell him off at eye level these days, but he will always be just the right height for hugs. And since I’m so much shorter than he is, I can always quote the science that says that in order for me to grow, I need my 12 hugs a day.
Nikki
